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Meet Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer Of Infidels

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Admiral Taslim Ackbar

Greetings to all infidels and defilers of Islamic law, my name is Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer of Infidels, and Allah has sent me to kill you.

Allah has become increasingly sickened by the existence of Christians, Jews, a-theists, and every other infidel out there who refuses to accept that he is the one and ONLY true god there is. (Just as a side note, he is NOT angry with any infidel for dissing his prophet, Muhammad, at the moment. This is because Muhammad owes him a great deal of money from a bet he lost to him on the Super Bowl, and until it’s paid, Allah will act as if Muhammad doesn’t exist). However, Allah IS angry, beyond all words, by the arrogant disrespect infidels show him by choosing to be infidels in the first place. So, if you are an infidel, Allah wants you to know he hates you. He hates you SO much, in fact, that he’s proclaimed you must be executed as swiftly as possible for he can no longer stomach your existence. And he has chosen me, Admiral Taslim Ackbar, to be the vehicle through which this is accomplished.

However, before I bring Allah’s bloody vengeance down upon all infidels, I must first ask a question that I’ve pondered my whole life: How could any intelligent man chose NOT to be Muslim?! What an outstanding, manly religion Islam is! It has everything any male monotheist could ever ask for in an ancient, outdated, dogmatic belief system. Below are but a few of its more desirable qualities.

01. Women are looked upon as evil temptresses in Islam and are considered to be no more than second, or even third-rate, pieces of property belonging to their husbands. They must keep their evil, temptress-like faces veiled at all times so men won’t be tempted to rape them. AND, now get this, if a man does happen to rape a woman, well, it’s simply seen as her own fault for not wearing the right veil or for having eyes that were just too seductive and evil for ANY man to resist. Now if that isn’t just about the best example of a win/win situation there is for a guy, I don’t know what is!

02. Like Muhammad, men can choose to marry, in certain advanced Muslim countries, girls under the age of 12. What adult male pedophile wouldn’t love this idea? No better way to train a woman to behave exactly the way you want her to than to start fucking her before she’s 12! That’s what I always say!

03. In many parts of the world, America in particular, religious “Faith” is given such a high degree of deference that you can do almost ANYTHING in its name and people will remain silent about it for fear of “offending” you. This serves Islamic bullies, like me, quite well. Being a killer of infidels, I appreciate not having my religious practices, which often involve public declarations of hate and threats of death against those Allah decrees I must abhor, questioned by anyone for fear they might offend me by doing so. Islam is a great religion if you love hating people openly as much as I do.

04. The last desirable quality of Islam I wish to tout here is this: No other religion, in the year 2015, can silence criticism of itself and its wrong doings as well as Islam does. Islam keeps artists, writers, actors, politicians, leaders of other religions, and even news reporters afraid to speak out against it. Through acts of horrific violence and threats of such violence against those who call into question just how miserable and completely fucked up Islam is, Islam continues to exist as the misogynistic, backward, fucked up, piece of shit “Faith” it is without the criticism it deserves. And once I kill all the infidels out there who question it, as Allah says I must, everyone in the world will be just like me. Doesn’t that just make you feel all bubbly and warm inside?

 

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Chase Scheinbaum

is a student at the Columbia Journalism School, covering the Highbridge section of Bronx. Before coming to Columbia he worked as a staff reporter for a midsize daily newspaper in Western Massachusetts, and a freelance writer for regional magazines and a daily newspaper there.